people.i.miss.

im 20 years old but still i act like a kid.i am pathetic.i can never change!i will never live in london with my husband in a studio apartment with my kids playing around with each other running around my ikea furnitures :'( i will never get an intelligent husband cause i'm not.i will never live happily cause i'm not striving.i can never compete with those clever ones cause i never learn from my mistakes D: i am a disaster.i am a failure or a loser to be exact.i will never get the chance to see my children attending private schools in london or new york.i will stuck here forever!the place where i started everything :( my friends will all have a perfect life cause they worked hard for it but me?i'll be living in a small house.where everything will never be enough

i'm sorry kids,mama didn't do her best on her first semester when she was doing her degree.my dream was to see you guys grow happily but i guess,you'll be seeing me work over-time :( i'm sorry i didn't do my best.and to my future husband (depending on wether or not i succeed) i'm sorry too,i'm sorry i'm not perfect :( i'm sorry i don't have the perfect body,job or a likable personality.i'm sorry for being socially awkward.

but but but i really hope that you're rich husband,considering that i'm not working super hard to own this fairytale of mine so one of us have to!but back to reality,we should both study hard to make sure our children have a perfect life.whoever you are,let us study our asses off!then let's apply scholarships and meet in england or new york or wherever.let us fall in love.and i want to be able to look at your face through skype (i don't know why but it sounds cool) and talk to you all night.let us make our love story a memorable one so that it wouldn't be all "we met and we fell in love" shit.i want it to be different.AS IF! haha.finished our degree and you come to my house meet with my mum and my mum loves you then BAM!masuk meminang then BAM!kahwen then BOOM BOOM BOOM! a big house kids and in london.ahhh perfect.okay sayang? :)

im sorry for having big dreams but oh so little effort.

where did all my diligentness went?where did all these dream fade?where is my hard working spot?where is my passion?

i am useless.

ye aku saiko dah tu?

funny how i thought i was over you when i'm not.it has been 7 years.your voice is still inside my head.why?is it a sign for me to come clean?but but but..huh so many buts.omg i miss you. :(

i dreamt of you yesterday.i heard your voice.like it's actually your voice.i miss you.

piddoto

hello.

7 days have passed so fast that i can't even remember how i have wasted this more-than-3day holiday.i'm quite pissed at myself.i could have used this moment to cover everything up but NOOOO.i thought that not sticking at home is a better option.

KAU TU DAH LAH TAK BERAPA NAK PANDAI!SEDAR DIRI SIKIT!

this is what i told myself constantly.but why am i still not moving?

you know,just now,when i was on my way here,i had this inside conversation with me and only me.it was about "am i ready to face this reality?".after a long debate with myself (which i know it sounds so psychotic) only then do i get the solid yet so valid answer.I AM NOT READY.i am not even near to the word ready.why?now i know how qila felt when she took french as her third language but really,she wanted korean.the feeling is so wrong you know?now don't get me wrong,while i was doing my foundation,i thought that this was what i wanted.like damn true.i was so going to be a 'lawyer' then.but now all of a sudden that dream of mine fades.just when it's only a few steps closer to what i thought was mine to grab.i'm lost numb blanked.

what has happened to my blog?why can't i read my posts?hmm imma die.

figuring out what i really want to do is too late now.maybe if i took the time to think before i came here i would have been problem free.but now,why am i still wondering?i have no choice but to just live the moment. this is so ridiculous.i can't believe my body's here but my heart is elsewhere.really thought i like this T_T

before i'm off to bed i would like to tell you guys how much i struggled today.you know the part where i feel empty?numb?yeah that one.i tried my best to concentrate yesterday afternoon but it felt as if there was something stopping me.no don't get me wrong.this has nothing to do with those creepy things when i said *something stopping me* it's just me.my mind.

though this is the most minimum effort i've given but i'm really happy cause i managed to go around the box that has been in front of me the whole day.i thought that i couldn't escape.but i was optimist.i know i will fail this test tomorrow but at least i tried.i tried loving you consti. however,i'm still confused on wether was i blocked because i hate this subject or that there was something going on in my head.this is the most weirdest feeling i've ever felt.never did i feel this hard to memorize something.sebab ilmu tak berkat ke?tapi i concentrated in his class.sometimes :/ i never talked bad about him.i cried for failing to accept this subject.

but now i'm all okay.alhamdulillah.i don't want that anymore :( but i'm still curious upon what happened.why did it happened?Ya Allah,forgive me for my sins.amin

i just made someone terkejut beruk by calling that person pepejat.lain kali please tengok gambar sebelum tegur ye T_T

omaigod.tak pernah rase mcm ni.why?tomorrow test azureen.please focus.focus.focus.your first test for consti.you should score this :/ why lah.

i promised myself to start doing my revision at 8.let's see if i can hold on to that promise.

there's like 5 pens and a highlighter on my table used to making my notes more readable -.-  I was trying to focus on what i wrote but i feel dead.i feel lifeless and not alive.i no longer have this feeling to study hard and ace this.What has happened to me?why do i feel so numb?usually when i come across situations like this i would prolly say cause i haven't had enough sleep.but i take that as a lie cause i have been sleeping for long hours lately -.- is this a sign?a sign for me to stop trying cause the universe knows that i'm not going anywhere as how hard i try i will still be average?

lately,i got a lot going on in my head.i want to talk to people but i'm afraid i won't stop and the things that i think of are practically everywhere in my head.nanti kalau nak cerita kene categorize dulu or organize my head sebab kalau tak,then i don't know where to start and how unfortunate of me for not having that power to organize my mind -.- so blogging it is.i have wasted my saturday by doing nothing when really i should've studied my ass off for consti this monday.i don't have this keen attitude to open the slides and read it through.why am i taking this so not seriously?don't i want this?the last time i checked i do.what happened lah?

i always picture myself as the person i'm talking to.imagining what people might think of me is how i communicate with people.

i always feel better after talking to my friends.the laugh the memories the stories.everything is just so fun.having a set of people that get you is really hard to find and i'm so thankful.suddenly i miss everyone :(

MERBOK.


part 1.
this was back in 2010.when everyone was 18 and still in searching of people that they could click with.including me.met a lot of amazing people.D was the class suited for me.i felt like home.i never thought of skipping any classes.didn't even feel like i should hide anything though i am the most insecure person there is.everyone can accept me for who i am.in D i felt so comfortable.PENANG :)

part 2.
2011.we lost something and we gained something.lose some of our friends for some stupid shit and gained one from the other class who we thought could cheer us.went perfectly well.got good cgpa for the first time :) had the best lecturers and groups.won third in the talent show.slapped husaini real hard.

part 3.
worse of all.the new member turns out to be blergh.everyone fell downhill.got some new people still.but didn't clicked that well.everyone was no longer "together".end.

i can never be the awesome me.

wait what?

what i really wanted to be was an engineer or an architect.i took the course in technical school to be one.but ended up being not so bright so i can't pursue what i wanted.i once filled in the ambition corner in my report card saying that i wanna be a lawyer.it was my third choice or second i can't recall.but i only filled it once cause i don't really know what lawyers do -.-.6 years of school,engineer was the only ambition that i thought was consistent.it was my first choice all the way through.but of course when i was in standard 2,first choice was doctor.peer influence -.- never thought that i'd be a law student.now i can see how my life is narrowing down.although i don't know just yet what i want to work as,but i hope that this journey will show me what my true passion is.some say that being an architect student is so difficult.you don't get enough sleep,assignments after assignments and going places that you barely have enough time for yourself nor your family and friends.i didn't choose landscape architecture because of these feedbacks,and i'm still wondering why the hell did i chose law in the first place.hmm after seeing my disastrous spm result,my hope in becoming an engineer fades.and so i locked my heart and told myself that i wanna do something that i will enjoy doing "masscom".unfortunately,i didn't get that either.i nearly gave up but new spirit came in.the spirit where i pushed away other people's opinion and decided to follow my instinct.i gave law a try.and here i am today.a bachelor of legal studies student.all i have to do now is strive.2 more years + 1.and i'll be outta here.

neighbor principle.

the moment where you're sleeping like a baby or you're in a dream where you're sailing through the seas or even when you're in london eating fish and chips or italy eating pasta or france eating croissants for all i care then somebody decided to switch on the lights just to have breakfast and drink coffee while scrolling down for some new updates on facebook. -.- that sucks.you know?the feeling sucks.you feel like shouting to that person.why do you have to on the bigger light when you have that smaller one on your table?i mean you're just sipping coffee it's not like you're wearing make-up to class like how i'd normally do.BUT I ONLY SWITCH IT ON BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT.sipping coffee?!COFFEE?! *sigh.i never purposely switch on the lights to annoy you.i am f**cking considerate.i've been considerate since i've been here.why are you so rude?you even trespassed my territory and used my freakin laptop.WATAKUWAN!geez,please don't cross the line.i know for the fact that you're older and all but we don't even talk to each other so i think that explains enough on how we're not suppose to touch anything that's not yours?i'm kind of pissed off.but we'll see.she's not that bad tapi huh. once i even tried not to on the lights because she was sleeping but did she cared?nope.i always get burning eyeballs in the morning.

you have me crying.

i need to be more jimat for the next week.i only have about 12 ringgit in my purse.told myself to stop withdrawing money from the bank cause i've been so irresponsible.haish shame on u ueen -.- dah lah this problem with the fitness first is never ending.my mummy is gonna kill me.i'd rather her kill me then facing with this kind of a problem.huh next week test will be part of my life.monday constitutional law in which case i dont even know what to read -.- thursday bel 460 and on friday law of torts.nasib lah torts aku suka.I AM FRIGGIN LOST!i cannot and i do not know how o handle my problems and emotions.everything is going topsy turvy.this is when i tell myself that I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

i want to end this pronto.

i miss ibu and kakak.can't wait to go home :(

hope.

just when you thought that everything is gonna be fine.i hope that we all can get through this easily.tak pe.just remember that HE is with us.apa apa pon HE'll always be with us.i'll try not to let myself drown into this problem.patient is the key.okay take a deep breath :) work out today was fine.i had to catch my breath although bukan berat berat pon die suruh buat -.- hmm i really hope that we can do this sheryn.you don't worry okay :)

I FEEL SO BAD.

i should be jumping up and down knocking my head and slap myself hard really hard for this.i've got test this friday and i'm not even near into completing my revision yet.i feel so bad right now.but ughh i have to pandai balance my time now that i am OFFICIALLY A FITNESS FIRST member ehem.*x perlu kot.but  again,i want to say that i am perfectly happy for me.at last,i've taken this seriously.usually imma be like "weh we should so go to gym!" pastu the day after i'm like infront of my laptop and doin notin'.THAT'S me.sekarang i have to work hard.atau adakah ini satu speech yang akan diendahkan kelak?let's hope not.guys,please show me your support.i need this!for me,us and my sister's wedding.huhe.if i want things to happen,i really need to work hard for it.jap lagi at 11,empire petang i need to study man.i have to ace this test.I HAVE TO!I NEED TO!please azureen,jangan lah berhenti tengah jalan.YOU CAN DO THIS!

it's a rainy day today.saya dah pening kepala -.- selamat berbuka buat farhana.dan apa kabar semua?bila hujan,feeling nya memang nak berjalan ke ikea.i miss my mum -.-

inventor.

i've finally discovered how to wear that jetcircle.tapi my way :)

YUNA-8th april.

today happens to be one of my favorite days in life.it happened out of nowhere but it did.syukur.i am so happy.you know how i didn't get the chance to meet my idol YUNA?i've won a couple of tickets to meet her but nasib tak menyebelahi.first sekali,yang whatberry are you.i tak pergi sebab got no transport :( then mase yang youth 10 hari tu,kat booth libresse pon tak dapat jumpa die ;( tapi aku tetap sabar.although up until today i tak dapat jumpa die depan depan kecuali mase muzik muzik tu,ade lah tengok die tapi dari jauh.jadi mungkin hari ini menjadi hikmah hari hari yang tak pernah dapat jumpa die.

I AM STILL HAPPY :) thank you qila :)

empire 2.0

AGAIN.empire.shopping.walked.lepak.drank.drunk.end.

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eceh kecewa lettew sebab putri tak cerita -.- okay yesterday was as usual lah kan.awesome powsemous liringity.i don't even know what that means.so sheryn n tia fetched me dekat mawar and we went straight to empire state of mind.sheryn was like "ya Allah laparnya weh!" haa pastu masuk masuk kami pon terus meluru ke Bangkokbeat.to satisfy our tummy me n tia ordered chicken and seafood phad thai respectively and sheryn ordered mee tom yam kot.the tom yam i tell you was superb beveh.haha it was okay lah.the taste is slightly accurate with the one dekat bangkok.my phad thai was nice as well.sedap T_T nyesai tak habis.

the deco inside was beautiful and sangat kemas.i love it! :)

even the coasters are cute.

after finishing our appetizers we had desserts which was also delish!

after eating kami pon p la turun naik empire tu sebab si senah suggested for us all untuk ke fitness first to work out.kami pon dengaq lah ceramah akak tu.the good news is my mum approved!now waiting for sheryn's dad pula.kalau pak dia bagi hmm elok sangat dah weh.lepas semua tu,we entered semua kedai.dan x jumpa cardigan saya :( but i got something wayyy better waiting for me heheh tapi sebelum tu jom ikot putri dan rakan rakan lepak dekat whisk jom?:) we had macarons iced chocs and a brand new teh tarik ice cream yang super duper pekat but sedapppp.

BUT BUT BUT the best part was went to yuna's iamjetfuelshop :) i'm super happy sampai today kbai :)

ayah.

it has been 6 years.wow,it felt like yesterday was the third year you went away..so fast.i miss you ayah.i really do.i guess words are not enough to express how i feel.i'm starting to forget you.your face pon dah mcm vague in my mind,your voice.it's all fading away :( i hope it will not fade completely.you know the other day,i put your picture as my wallpaper kat phone.i wanted to look at the time tapi ter focus kat your face then i thought "hmm nak call ayah lah,lama dah tak call".then i stopped.how can i think that way?you are no longer here.some part of me giggled for my silliness but the other part felt so sad for i couldn't reach you anymore other than in my doa.ayah,i really hope you're happy there.you don't worry about me here,i'm perfectly fine :') ibu is taking good care of me.my test is right around the corner.huh i really wanna know how are you ayah.if only you could tell me that you're okay kan?heh. i apologize for not being the perfect daughter though i know you're not expecting me to be one.tears have started running down my cheeks and for that i end this post with al-fatihah.