Wednesday, April 23, 2014

hello? hahaha omaigad you guys must have missed me like crazy! :) it has been a year since i last updated this blog. didnt even crossed my mind that i'd still use this thing. but i woke up today feeling shitty and i thought " what way is the best to express this anger" of course! my blog!  because i dont have a lot of people coming here, so its like a secret cave. im so mad at myself i dont even know where to start. okay for starters, i have skipped a few classes this semester. and i gained nothing from being in each one of em classes. its getting worse. i no longer have that drive.  no more motivations. i have no cause to come to class. im not interested and relly, i dont care anymore and im worried about myself. ive skipped a few morning classes so far. its like i havent seen my friends in a long time. never really felt this way throughout my high school years and asasi. back in those glorious day, i even cried if i dont get to go to school. and in my foundation, ive never skipped a class. i was scared. tapi sekarang melampau beno. why. what can make me come to class? apa? apa? tiada apa sebenarnya, -.- haih. okay lah nnt i update lain nah.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

i miss traveling across the world. sleeping for hours in the airplane. on the seat and sometimes on the floor.eating airplane food, purchasing souvenirs. playing games or better watch movies that aren't even aired in our country yet. i love traveling. i miss it. a lot.

well since my father died,back in 2006,we didn't travel anywhere anymore. well but, i did,i went for an exchange student. and that was a year after my dad passed away.i was the only one,in my family had that mum told me that 'it's okay lah,you can go since we are not going anywhere anymore'. it was the best experience. the one i'll never forget. never. and 7 years later, today in 2013.i went to jakarta. it was the best too cause i get to go there with my cousin and my friend together with her was so much fun.

traveling used to be one of our family ritual since i was in kindergarden. my dad, he loves taking us to places cause basically,he's a family guy.he puts his family first. and also,he wanted us to experience what he had experienced when he was a student in united kingdom.

the first place that my dad took us to, was australia. i remember being there for about 3 to 4 times. we went to gold coast,perth, queensland, sydney and much more.i can't recall. the perth thingy was just for father wanted to visit his was fun.the family was great.they took us everywhere. uncle fadzillah and family.thank you :)

later, my dad took us to london and paris. i've only been to paris twice and london maybe 4 to 5 times cause maybe he was surveying some houses there.yeah we were supposed to buy a house there but my mum as all mum would be. paranoid. -.- anyhoo,london would be my favorite place.i love the weather,the buildings,the cabs the bus the food and everything about it.i love london since the first time i've been there. and the first time masa i darjah 4 x silap.i always had to skip a few classes sbb teachers jadi cm x kisah sangat dah -.-.well mostly because they know that my father ada kerja sana they understood.

then after london and father took us to spain.i remebered monte carlo,seville, and the south of france.nice.Nice is one of my favorite know how in the movies rumah dorang semua atas bukit kan,we lived in one of those houses.hehe well actully it's a father loves exploring.we are the only malaysian family who stayed there.most of the malaysian would prefer staying in the lah tmpat orang father was adventurous :) me my brother and my sister would go to the pizza shope and order the same thing for maybe 1 week or so?hahah sampai orang tu dah kenal and he's like " the same order ha?" hehe.and us siblings would walk around the place, and it has this underground punya laluan.spain sangat tau.hahah.

and then to switzerland.switzerland memang tiap hari makan fillet o fish lah.xde mknn yang halal boleh dicari.dekat switzerland, i loved the hotel.super cool and cozy.and mase hari kitorang nak balik barulah nak snow nya -.-.

lepastu ada pergi,manchester,tengok stadium tu,liverpool, lalu barcelona sbb train berenti situ.hmm apa lagi eh?

haa hong kong.second last destinasi sebelum ayah passed away.hong kong was fun fun fun too!
then our last destination before coming back to malaysia would be singapore.

once,kitorang sambut christmas dekat there was so beauiful! all the lightings, the decorations. the hayley's was the best toy shop EVER!tiga tingkat yang penuh dengan toys only! wanted to buy this barbie car tapi it woulnt fir our luggage cause its too big. hmm. dekat london, kitorang naik taxi and bus and the undrground :) masa dekat uk kirorang naik kereta sbb my knows the jalan from dulu die pernah belajar sana.he remembered the road.which was super awesome!my dad was awesome.semua ayah pon awesome!.

oh and pernah sambut new year dalam kapal terbang.hahah. masa tu baru je balik dari london.then the cabin crew siap buat countdown lagi yaw.pastu semua cm happy new year! heheh

alhamdulillah i get to witness different places form across the world at a very young age.semua tu reeki lah orang kata.i get to go places just before my dad passed away. me and my sister were practically raised in airplanes and in different countries.i am blessd.

tapi sometimes mmg sedih cause i dont get to go to these places anymore sbb my mum takut it would bring all the memories she thought that malaysia is the safest place. haih tak pe lah,kalau ada rezeki in the future,aku akan ke sana juga.

and before my father died, he really wanted to go to rome italy.he passed away back in 2006. and on that same year,we were supposed to go to italy and my father nak bawa kitorang pergi umrah tapi x kesampaian. :( kalau ada rezeki i wanna take my mum to mum pernah pergi sekali je with my dad and i want to take her with me pula one day. insyaallah.

my traveling memories will always be here in my mind and heart.i shall not forget this opportunity and experience and ni lah cerita yang akan saya bagitau kat anak anak saya heheh

"darlings,your grandfather was an amazing man and had taught me a lot.and i will do the same to you guys".

Friday, April 26, 2013

looking deep into my eyes he said ‘you look beautiful as always baby’ with his charming crooked smile. ‘but i have to tie this around your’s a surprise’ taking his favorite tie which he wore when we first met, tying it around my head so i can see only dusk. i am not fond of darkness.he knows it. but some how that night, i feared nothing,knowing that the guy i love is right beside me, the gloom turned into soon as the tie is secured around my head, i searched for his arms but his hands were around my waist first.i held him tight,tears shed down my eyes.tears of joy. ‘now baby,listen to me okay?we are going down the stairs’ slowly i stepped down the stairs.  then suddenly ‘i may not be the best person for you’ he said ‘but baby,i love you so much.’ i wonder,why didn’t he told me this before he blindfolded me.i wanted to look into his eyes. ‘and baby,even in the darkness of night,i shall carry you to the light’.i heard him smiling.these were the sentence he used to make me his girlfriend back when we were seniors in high we reached the door,he opened it and i can feel the breeze in the air.the birds chirping as if they’ve been eating french fries for lunch.i laughed at my inner jokes. ‘where are you taking me?’ i asked. ‘can i unfold this already?’ i heard him inhaling deeply ‘okay’.slowly he unfolds me.before i can get the hold of reality he whispered ‘SURPRISE!’ and kissed me on the lips.a brief kiss yet a meaningful one. i looked down,there were petals of different colorful flowers everywhere. i smiled,and looked up.trying so hard to not let it all out,but failed terribly.i fell down my knees and cried.he sat down beside me and wiped away my tears. ’baby,i’m sorry for making you cry.i hate seeing you cry but i have to do this’. i grabbed his hand and place it on my face as i did the same to him. ‘thank you.thank you so much.i love you darling.forever and always’. he scooped me up his arms and carried me.i leaned down my head on his chest and kissed a million kisses of love. ‘you never fail to surprise me baby’…he smiled his crooked smile.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

since qila is no longer here,i've lost a friend to eat with,to make secret jokes's sad actually knowing a friend is no longer here with you.well,not for long i guess cause she's coming back maybe just Maybe.

if you're reading this qila,i miss you.we all do.
if only you knew what i've gone'd probably wouldn't wanna be friends with's best if i keep this a secret to myself.i'm not strong in fact im weak....

tried pushing away but it keeps coming back.maybe i'll stuck this way forever..... :(

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

i now have a diary.yes i've started writing.JUST started.i told myself that i needed a journal to talk about what happened form eight in the morning till ten in the has been so good and there's a lot to write about but lately i havent been writing a lot due to the crazy schedule i have for this semester.but i do find time to update so that i won't get way ahead of time.
having a journal is important to me because i have this big bucket full of's kind of a problem if you ask a shrink or any psychiatrist.yes,everyone has worries but me?i tend to over-think things up to the point where i can't sleep and sometimes i cry in my bed alone thinking of what will i become and what the world has to's scary.i was afraid of myself.i was scared that this problem would be forever.anyhoo,after i found my late dad's book called "how to stop worrying and start living" i have started living literally.well,if you ask me,i'm basically under 'probation'.every time when i over-think things,i flash back to the pages that taught me how to stop worrying and only then can i keep my head's a good book.

this journal is basically a new year's resolution thingy.well,this is probably the only resolution that's still here with accomplishment i might say? and now that i have a journal,whenever i feel like writing i'll write and if i feel like typing then i'll type.

i guess that's just a bout it.going back to reality. Goodbye :)

Saturday, March 2, 2013

i know i should stop dwelling into the past but i can't stop to think how much i miss the moments in merbok. every single one of them.good?bad?all of it.

i remember being so determined to be a degree student.have a degree in law.then it hit me.the question.a question of being true to yourself.was i true to myself when i chose to take law?i often strayed away from this question.lying to myself or refuse to face the truth.did i took this because i really want it or is it because i thought it was cool?

don't get me wrong i like doing this.solving's fun sometimes.SOMETIMES.i have like 3 more semesters to go and i've failed twice along the this a sign?a sign for me to stop doing law and start doing something else?

being with my classmates in merbok made it easier for me to make a decision on whether or not should i pursue my dreams on becoming a lawyer.well,maybe because the vibe was different there.everyone was so happy and smart.i used to be smart.and i'm not even sorry for bragging lols. everyone was nice too. maybe i was too positive to believe that my whole class would make it to law deg.but reality came in.

semua rezeki lain2.i forgot. 'welcome to the world of misfit toys' is a phrase that fits me well..

i promised myself to never take something that has to do with memorizing back in 2009.well clearly someone couldn't keep their promises in hand.-.- asasi was fine for me.then someone stressed out the word 'DEGREE' and how it was different from asasi as in foundation. yeap she's right.

decisions are made to be wrong so that you can find who you really are

i for one made this major mistake and still can't find who i really am.but one thing for is not my forte.

but i'm still standing.i might have done something right,right?

never stop trying.i still wanna see what fate has for me in the future.and if i stop now,i'll never know.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

if i'm willing to take the risk. i'd do it a long time ago.

the problem is i don't even know who i really am.

how can i cross boundaries?

one thing fo sho.

i am a coward.